Friday, February 3, 2012

THE FINAL PAGE IS WRITTEN UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN IN HEAVEN

It is weird. This chapter of my life is closed. My grandma passed away just a month shy of turning 101 years old and about 3 hours sooner than my grandpa died 6 years ago. It is weird to think I won't see them anymore. It is weird to think I will never ever go back to Sacramento, CA. As a family we went there 1-2 times a year to visit them until about 8 years ago when they moved here so my mom could take care of them. I have many fond memories of Sac Town. I grew up doing the same things there year after year and have so many great memories of it all. It is weird for me to think my kids will never experience those same joys that I did.

My grandparents were amazing. My grandma was sarcastic (shocking huh if you know me at all) and my grandpa was hilarious. "Yes, grandpa, we would love some soda water!" It was bitter sweet to have my grandma pass. You never want to see your loved ones go, but at the same time, she was old and it was her time. She lived for 100 years for crying out loud and had a great life, but she has a husband and a daughter who were waiting for her on the other side.
My whole family was able to go back to Sacramento one last time together for the funeral or rather grave dedication. Really was no point for a funeral, she had outlived everyone anyways, but we all were going to be there to say good-bye, support our mom and do our favorite Sacramento things one last time or one first time for some new-comers to the family.

I will let the pictures do the rest of the talking for me, although if you were to get inside my head right now you could see all my wonderful memories that I want to hold on to forever (their garage with bowling trophies inside, golf clubs every where, a blue and red bike for me and RJ to ride, a bird bath out back, the smell of the fig tree next door, the sound of the screen door as you open it for the first time when we would finally arrive at their house after a 12 hour drive, the 2 single beds pushed together to pretend they were one, the little television in their bedroom we would go watch when we didn't want to watch what our parents were watching in the front room, the pink flowered with gold trim laundry basket in the bathroom, the chocolate donuts for breakfast, making houses out of a deck of playing cards, feeding squirrels, going on walks every evening and coming back and having a bowl of ice cream in the 70s colored bowls, the wooden desk in the hallway that kept all the decks of cards, the lamp on the dresser that you touched to turn on and off, the sound of my grandparents kissing each other 3 times on the lips every night before they went to sleep, the sound of the grandfather clock in the family room that would chime every hour on the hour, sooo many wonderful memories I have).

Flying on an airplane is so much fun if you are a kid :) All the boys stared out the window watching the planes arriving and departing
I like to buy my love from little kids so I like to give treats to get them to like me, it works like a charm every time. I gave Conner a chocolate donut on the plane while Caryn held him, he got crumbs all down her shirt, it was a win/win for me, muhahaha!
Smile cute Tyler for the picture, or not
We had 4 rows on the plane so needless to say, there was lots of seat swapping going on...
 
 
 
 
First thing we did when we landed was head over to Fairytale Town, a favorite hot spot of ours!  
"There was an old lady who lived in a shoe" slide
 The crooked mile! I always raced my siblings through here, I always won (of course I am the oldest), but I made sure to teach my kiddos how to win in here too, you cheat!
 Emma and Conner on the slide
 The medieval castle
 Cinderella's pumpkin coach and her horses - check out Emma's face - its a "I'm putting on a happy face but I think I am to old for this place mom and where are the real rides?!"
 Tyson spent a good 20 minutes pretending the horse was real and "pepping" him and feeding him.
 
 Seriously, who doesn't love climbing through a piece of swiss cheese :)
 A train
 Some moving thing that Eli walked acrossed
My muscle men 

That night we went to dinner at the Old Spaghetti Factory. We had a little bit of a big party so they gave us our own private room, it was pretty nice because we didn't have to worry about bothering people around us.
 My dad hates pictures. I tried to take as many of him as possible to annoy him.
 
 The next day we got up and hit up Sutter's Fort. John Sutter came to California and built this fort and had a little city running from inside with Indians guarding the outside. He was very prosperous until people discovered gold on his land and then that started the California gold rush.
 
 
 
 Playing a stick game that the kids would play back in the 1840s
 
 
 Tyson and Conner and all the cannons protecting the fort
 Tyler checking out the place
 Later that day it was time for the funeral. My mom did not put the info in the paper because Grandma didn't want it in there. My dad did manage to sneak in a few phone calls to some close friends and they came out in support of Grandma.
 
 
 After my dad dedicated the grave, whoever wanted to do so was allowed to go and place some flowers on her coffin. I placed 3 pink roses (her favorite color) in honor of the 3 kisses she would give Grandpa each night.
 
 
 
 
 After they raised the coffin and put it away next to Grandpa's, my mom had me and Ashley put together a little flower arrangements to go in the vases next to their name plates. The boys "helped" us too!
The Rodgers family
 The Rodgers Siblings
 
 The Jensens
The Johnsons
 The soon-to-be Mr and Mrs Entrekin
My mom's friend  Lela Cushing
 
 
We found these headstones to be most interesting/sad. There was 5 or 6 of them, all siblings that had died from the flu epidemic in 1918. How sad for those poor parents to had to bury their kids. 
 After the funeral we headed out for our favorite food place, Vic's Ice Cream. We ate our lunches as fast as we could so we could hurry and order up some yummy desserts! mmmm goooood!
Ok so Tyson might have been staying up to late at night and skipping his naps for the first time ever so poor little guy actually fell asleep while chewing his sandwich...check out the food in his mouth :) 
 
 I love taking pictures of my dad when he hates it!
 
 Do you like my sexy ice cream sundae face?!
 mmmm good, give me some more!
After Vic's we headed over to Grandma's house to walk "the walk" one last time. It was just like old times!
Barlin - my great-grandparents got to name the street and so they named it after their grandkids (my mom and her twin sister, Linda. Barbara + Linda = Barlin) because they were the only grandkids left that didn't have their name used already somewhere in town.
 Then we stood in front of their house. It still looks the exact same. It was really trippy though, I stood there and put my hand on the screen door and just wanted to open it and go inside, but it wasn't their house anymore. I wanted to knock and just ask them if I could walk through and tell them how my Grandpa built that house himself, but then I figured it still wouldn't be the same because they weren't in there. I took a whif of the air and it was a familiar smell, it was Grandma and Grandpa. I ran around the side of the house to take a peek in the back, it was basically the same with a few tacky plants added. Dang, how I wanted to go through the gate and watch my mom and grandpa grilling something on the grill for us to eat for dinner.
 
 We continued on down on the walk. It was all pretty much the same, they took a small field and added a few track homes to it which was very disappointing since there was not one set of tract homes I had ever seen in that area, every house was unique and I liked it. We finally made it to the freeway over pass. I told my kids we had to race over it to see who wins and since RJ wasn't there at that moment, I told them I always won :)
Tyler fell and got left behind, poor kid 
 
 Emma was the winner of the race if you can't tell from this pose
 
 After the overpass the little ones got tired and had to get some rides, wooseys.
 
 Another thing that changed was you used to be able to see the marina from the walk but now there is a ginormous hotel blocking it, it looks like a super nice one, but the poor marina is out of sight.

After you round the corner is the freeway underpass. We used to run up to the top of it and race up there. If you haven't figured it out by now, I won that too! ha ha! I did race everyone up there this time and even won for reals, although they might not all have known we were really racing :) We posed for the picture and I said do the punk rock sign, all of us did except for dumb Caryn, she did I love you, wow.
As we were finishing off the walk RJ found a big pile of leaves and decided it would be fun throw Eli in it and then to play in, the kids loved it and so did Ashley, the rest of us were to cool for that, ha ha. 
 
 
 

When the walk was all over with (ps, mom don't be mad, but Tyler really had to pee so we let him pee on the fence of your grandma's house, we left a lasting impression before we left) we all decided to go to the park to feed squirrels for old times. My boys had never fed squirrels before and come to find out, neither had Jen, it was a must!  While we waited for my dad to go grab some peanuts from the store we took lame cheesy pictures and had races. (Ok I didn't win this time, but I am sure Blake cheated some how).
 
 
 Here is RJ's family with the kid he always wanted :)
 
Well this park was a bust. So we left and went to another park and found one lame squirrel. Jen never did get to feed the squirrels but the next day the Jensens and the Johnsons went back to Capital park and fed the squirrels and this time there was too many to count! The kids thought it was so much fun! 
 
We found an upside down tree in the park and Emma thought it was fitting to take an upside picture next to it
This was a first for all of us, we went and saw the new Sacramento Temple (well new to us anyways)
Here is the house that my mom grew up in, another house my Grandpa had built
This building used to be my Grandpa's hardware store.
Every time we would visit our grandparents we would also visit the Willyerds and the Washburns. I didn't get to make it to the Willyerds house this time (it is a regret that I have, if I could go back in time I would have made that happen, we love Uncle Eric and Aunt Jeanne and their fun house), but we did make it to see the Washburns. Even Ryan and his family came over to visit too. I loved going to Kristen's house growing up. Her mom would french braid my hair and I would leave it in for as many days as possible, we would play dress up, I would sleep over, it was a lot of fun - one time, we might have packed a picnic lunch in our backpacks and went and ate inside a model home until we got caught and got kicked out, ha ha). 
Me and Kristen.
Kristen, me and Ryan
Our kids all ran around together and had a great time. Emma especially had fun with Emily and asked that next time they come down to visit that I get them together :) They are only 4-5 months apart.
Rick, Kristen, Jared, Carol, Ryan, Michelle
I am glad we got to visit with them for a little bit. I wish I could get together with my cousins more, I always have such a great time. I love my cousins! 

That night we picked up Cheesecake Factory and headed back to the hotel for the last night. Once again our room was the party room and we had food, games and movies going on. A sad occasion brought us all together but I am grateful that we were all able to go and spend that time together. It was a fun and memorable trip. I love my grandparents dearly and will always treasure them. I miss them already and wish they were still here with us.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

BIG BENNY

Intel has the world's biggest land based crane right now at their facility while they are building the new factory and last Saturday they let the employees bring their family members out to see it and had little activities for them to do while they were there. Emma and I were away at a dance competition so grandma Rodgers went to help Jared with the boys. Everyone had a great time and the boys loved seeing the crane, getting their own little yellow hard hats and tape measures. Total boy fun! 
 

Sunday, January 22, 2012

THE LAST APPLES TO ZEBRAS!

The twins started Apples to Zebras last week. My last kiddos to go there. I think it is a great way for my kids to prepare to go to preschool so I always put them in there. They were pumped to go and get to wear their backpacks. They had been looking forward to it for a while. The day finally came. They were both still excited. We loaded up in the car to go pick up Eli from his preschool and then I told the twins we were going to eat lunch and then take them to school, Tyler told me, he was not going to go to school today, he was going to go tomorrow. I told him he was going to go today after lunch, he told me he wasn't going to eat lunch  :)

I then had to use some quick thinking and I told them we would go out to lunch to celebrate their special day. We went to Steve's Krazy Sub and met daddy there before school started. 
After lunch we all went to school to take the boys. Tyson was still excited but Tyler had his reservations. Me and Eli took them into class and while I filled out their paperwork Tyson took off and made himself comfy with some new toys and Tyler stood by my side. Then Eli trying to be a nice big brother put his arm around Tyler and said, "I will miss you while you are at school, I will be sad but then we will come get you." The look on Tyler's face was heartbreaking, the tears were welling up in his eyes, so I quickly had to give evil eye to Eli and mouth the words, "knock it off!" Eli left and went to find Tyson and then slowly but surely Tyler made his way to his brothers. I grabbed Eli and we quickly said a fast good-bye and then went outside the room and stood at the window staring at them until they looked at us so we could all make silly faces and then we all laughed and Eli and I took off. Phew, they did it! 
When Jared showed up to pick them up, Tyler said, "Dad what took you so long?!"

PS - The boys brought home their school work and it was tracing letters. Tyler totally traced the letters perfectly and Tyson well, he just drew a big circle around his paper :)

Not to make Tyson seem like he isn't smart the next day when they had to color in different shapes with different colors well Tyson colored in the lines - probably better than Eli even would and Tyler well, he got the colors right but his coloring wasn't so great.

Each of them has their strong points :)

FIESTA BOWL PARADE!

Somehow SAS got asked to be in the Fiesta Bowl Parade representing Disney on Ice. Not only did they get to be in the parade but they got to lead off the entire parade, be on TV and each dancer got 2 tickets to Toy Story 3 Disney on Ice.

Emma was super excited to be in the parade and she got even more excited when she got to LEAD the whole parade. The first thing you saw when you watched the Fiesta Bowl Parade coming down the street was Emma. She loved it. She was a little nervous thinking about it, but loved it! Here are a few pictures of her leading the parade...
here is a picture of her practicing inside the building before they went out to do it live on channel 15 news (I personally love this picture because she didn't know it was being taken and it is just a look true happiness on her face!)
ok so trying to be a glory hog ended up biting me in the butt in the end - or actually poor Emma. They lined up to perform the Hanna Montana "Hoe Down Throw Down" for channel 15 news and they lined up horizontally so they could fill the road better while they danced. Since they lined up this way that put Emma to the far side, which was fine, but I thought hey you are sticking out and not in a row so why don't you take a couple of steps forward and be on the front row for TV. I watched her in the 15 news screen while the anchors were introducing them and she was front and center on TV but then when they started dancing the camera man filmed the girls were she was previously standing the whole time, thus leaving Emma out - oops! I am soooo sorry Emma.
 See the camera guy behind her....
 
The boys enjoyed watching the parade with the Hess twin girls and Jen and I had fun passing out Disney on Ice flyers to the crowd...
A few weeks later Jared took Eli, Emma and Bella (another dancer) to see Toy Story. They got awful lucky and ended up getting to sit 8 rows from the front in $75 seats for free. Eli kept waving at all the characters and telling Jared, "dad, he looked and waved at me!!" He loved the show and loved his snow cone :)
Emma and Bella
It was a fun night had by all and I am glad Jared was able to take these kiddos for a fun night out!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

A VERY HARD SPIRITUAL DECISION

Jared's birthday was an EXTREMELY emotionally draining day, poor Jared's birthday. I wanted to journal this for future posterity sake and for the peeps who always gotta ask, "are you done?!"

Since we found out we were pregnant with twins we figured it was a win/win situation. Jared didn't want me to have to go through another pregnancy and all the difficulties that come with it for us and I kinda felt like 3 wasn't enough for our family - so two for one, we both win! After they were born and they grew out of things we would get rid of it, infant carriers, strollers, swings, etc. I am now down to a baby bjorn, a boppy, the twins little bean bag chairs, the grocery store cart cover-up thingy and that about does it. No more bottles, bibs, clothes, etc. We had basically made the decision we were done, but neither of us could say 100% we were done, we were just moving in that direction and had made it to about 90% done I would say. Then, the last couple of months Jared and I have casually been talking about having another one. Nothing seriously, just casual mentions of it here and there. This last month we had gotten a lot more serious with it. I finally decided now was the time. It was going to have to be now or never. The more we talked the more we started to get excited about the idea of it. Jared even re-arranged our house in his head to make it work when we gave birth to our little baby girl (yes, it was going to be a girl, ha ha, we figured Emma needed a little dancing sister to join her!) Finally we decided, "OK let's do it!" I made an appointment with the doctor to get mirena out on a Monday morning. It was a little scary to make that appointment because then it all seemed more real. But before that Monday morning came we knew we were going to spend that Sunday in fast and prayer to make sure we were making the right decision for our family.

Saturday night we went out to dinner on a little date and we while we were stuffing ourselves silly we talked about how we would take a little baby with us on our dates so Emma could stay home and babysit the other 4, we talked about how me and the baby would stay home and spend time together because all the other kids would be in school and we would make them after school treats for when they would come home :) See, we had a plan and a good one too! We left dinner and ran and grabbed some ice cream to bring home to eat while we watched a movie. After we put the kids to bed, we finished our ice cream and started our fast. To help put us in the spiritual mood we watched the movie 17 Miracles together. While we were watching that Jared was thinking, "how could we not have another child, yes it would be a little difficult, but it is nothing compared to what these pioneers had to go through!"

The next day we got up and went to church and then when we came home from church we sent the kids to play in their rooms and we talked for 2 hours in our room trying to figure things out. Neither of us could say for sure that Yes was our answer, actually deep down inside I felt like the answer was No, but that wasn't what I wanted so I was trying to block it out and wait for the yes feeling. We kept talking and we still couldn't come up with an answer and we were pretty much out of things to say at this point. I finally looked at Jared and asked him to give me a blessing. He said yes and then with a smug smile on his face asked me what I wanted him to say, I refused to answer him and we just got down to business.

The beginning of the blessing was just as I would have guessed it to be. Very nice things were said, but of course, no answer. (During this whole process of deciding to have another child or not, I just kept saying, "I wish I would just have one of those answers like people have where it is a definite yes or no, where there would be no questions what the answer was - I knew if that happened I would accept it and move on and be happy - or at least that's what I thought.) Finally there was a pause in Jared's voice, I couldn't hear anything, but then I heard his sniffles and felt his tear drops falling one by one on my head. Then came the next words: " We have had to make difficult decisions before. While they have been difficult ones, we have come later to realize that they were the right decisions. For example, deciding to quit and stay at home to take care of Emma, deciding to hold Eli back from kindergarten. They were all hard decisions, but now we see the benefits of them." Then the tears got more frequent and the soft crying began...." While this decision will be difficult we will know that we are making the right decision in deciding to NOT have more children and that we would understand the reason why later and we would become accepting of this decision." Jared and I both cried.

It was really weird how emotional we had both become over this decision.  I didn't know how to feel after that. Neither of us did. Here we were both raised in the church and you are taught to multiply and replenish the earth, but now we are being told not to. I then did something I have never done before. I picked up the phone and called the Bishop's office and asked if he could see us. We went down and met with him 25 minutes later. Poor Bishop had no idea what we wanted or why we were there. Heck, I didn't really know either. I guess I was looking for someone to look at me and say, "it's ok." Bishop brought up some good points (my favorite one was, "could we love a 5th child, of course, could we love a 6th child, of course, could we love a 20th child, yes, but that doesn't mean we need to have that many") and we chatted for a bit and then headed home.

By the time we got home it was time to put on a brave face, start making Jared's birthday dinner and get things ready for my parents and his mom to head over to join us. We ate dinner and had dessert and then hung out with Patrice for a bit and then it was finally time for the night to end and Jared and I headed to bed. Of course there was another hour of talking and crying (on my part). I couldn't get over the fact that I had just been told no. I knew there was a reason why, but I couldn't help my feelings of loss. It was almost as if I was mourning one of my miscarriages. It was a feeling of wanting something and losing it without my control.

The next morning I woke up and cancelled my doctor's appointment that was no longer needed. Later that day I got on facebook and watched different people posting about their new babies or posting about their pregnancies. I was sad. I wouldn't have that anymore. It was all over. No more holding a baby for the first time. No more baby snuggling on my chest. No more feeling a baby inside me. No more.

I did get a text from Jared that morning checking on me to see how I was doing. He also thanked me for his great birthday (he is so nice because his birthday was no celebration - but for the record, we did a birthday do-over on Tuesday and that was great from start to finish!) Both Jared and I were still in our "mourning process" that day.

Jared did say some things that comforted me and I am going to hold on to those words. There is obviously a reason why we were told what we were told. For now, I feel better thinking that the reason we were told no is because Heavenly Father loves me so much and has decided I had gone through enough. We like to think that He is saving us from more suffering and heart ache for nothing. The chances of me having more miscarriages is far to great. The chances of me continuing to not ovulate is also huge. We could have spent the next couple of years trying for nothing, only to suffer heart ache. So, I say, Thank you for saving us from that. Thank you for giving me a direct answer which is what I wanted, even if it wasn't the answer I wanted to hear. Thank you for loving me.

I am accepting of the outcome of all of this. I am grateful for my 4 happy, healthy and beautiful kids. We are fortunate to provide them with the things they need and want. I am eternally grateful for all of that. I will no longer have my own baby, but I have since taken the time to curl my twinkies up in a ball and hold them and squeeze the pooh out of them. I am going to savor every minute with them and enjoy the time I have with them while they are the age they are, all of my kiddos. The end.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

HAPPY NEW YEARS!

We had the Parrys over to help us celebrate the New Year. We had mexican food for dinner and fireworks, fire pit, and smores. Most of the kids loved the fireworks but a couple were a little scared (I won't name any names but they are hiding out in my garage...)
  
  
All the kiddos lined up for some good fireworks (minus Whit)
  
Smores Time!