A VERY HARD SPIRITUAL DECISION

Jared's birthday was an EXTREMELY emotionally draining day, poor Jared's birthday. I wanted to journal this for future posterity sake and for the peeps who always gotta ask, "are you done?!"

Since we found out we were pregnant with twins we figured it was a win/win situation. Jared didn't want me to have to go through another pregnancy and all the difficulties that come with it for us and I kinda felt like 3 wasn't enough for our family - so two for one, we both win! After they were born and they grew out of things we would get rid of it, infant carriers, strollers, swings, etc. I am now down to a baby bjorn, a boppy, the twins little bean bag chairs, the grocery store cart cover-up thingy and that about does it. No more bottles, bibs, clothes, etc. We had basically made the decision we were done, but neither of us could say 100% we were done, we were just moving in that direction and had made it to about 90% done I would say. Then, the last couple of months Jared and I have casually been talking about having another one. Nothing seriously, just casual mentions of it here and there. This last month we had gotten a lot more serious with it. I finally decided now was the time. It was going to have to be now or never. The more we talked the more we started to get excited about the idea of it. Jared even re-arranged our house in his head to make it work when we gave birth to our little baby girl (yes, it was going to be a girl, ha ha, we figured Emma needed a little dancing sister to join her!) Finally we decided, "OK let's do it!" I made an appointment with the doctor to get mirena out on a Monday morning. It was a little scary to make that appointment because then it all seemed more real. But before that Monday morning came we knew we were going to spend that Sunday in fast and prayer to make sure we were making the right decision for our family.

Saturday night we went out to dinner on a little date and we while we were stuffing ourselves silly we talked about how we would take a little baby with us on our dates so Emma could stay home and babysit the other 4, we talked about how me and the baby would stay home and spend time together because all the other kids would be in school and we would make them after school treats for when they would come home :) See, we had a plan and a good one too! We left dinner and ran and grabbed some ice cream to bring home to eat while we watched a movie. After we put the kids to bed, we finished our ice cream and started our fast. To help put us in the spiritual mood we watched the movie 17 Miracles together. While we were watching that Jared was thinking, "how could we not have another child, yes it would be a little difficult, but it is nothing compared to what these pioneers had to go through!"

The next day we got up and went to church and then when we came home from church we sent the kids to play in their rooms and we talked for 2 hours in our room trying to figure things out. Neither of us could say for sure that Yes was our answer, actually deep down inside I felt like the answer was No, but that wasn't what I wanted so I was trying to block it out and wait for the yes feeling. We kept talking and we still couldn't come up with an answer and we were pretty much out of things to say at this point. I finally looked at Jared and asked him to give me a blessing. He said yes and then with a smug smile on his face asked me what I wanted him to say, I refused to answer him and we just got down to business.

The beginning of the blessing was just as I would have guessed it to be. Very nice things were said, but of course, no answer. (During this whole process of deciding to have another child or not, I just kept saying, "I wish I would just have one of those answers like people have where it is a definite yes or no, where there would be no questions what the answer was - I knew if that happened I would accept it and move on and be happy - or at least that's what I thought.) Finally there was a pause in Jared's voice, I couldn't hear anything, but then I heard his sniffles and felt his tear drops falling one by one on my head. Then came the next words: " We have had to make difficult decisions before. While they have been difficult ones, we have come later to realize that they were the right decisions. For example, deciding to quit and stay at home to take care of Emma, deciding to hold Eli back from kindergarten. They were all hard decisions, but now we see the benefits of them." Then the tears got more frequent and the soft crying began...." While this decision will be difficult we will know that we are making the right decision in deciding to NOT have more children and that we would understand the reason why later and we would become accepting of this decision." Jared and I both cried.

It was really weird how emotional we had both become over this decision.  I didn't know how to feel after that. Neither of us did. Here we were both raised in the church and you are taught to multiply and replenish the earth, but now we are being told not to. I then did something I have never done before. I picked up the phone and called the Bishop's office and asked if he could see us. We went down and met with him 25 minutes later. Poor Bishop had no idea what we wanted or why we were there. Heck, I didn't really know either. I guess I was looking for someone to look at me and say, "it's ok." Bishop brought up some good points (my favorite one was, "could we love a 5th child, of course, could we love a 6th child, of course, could we love a 20th child, yes, but that doesn't mean we need to have that many") and we chatted for a bit and then headed home.

By the time we got home it was time to put on a brave face, start making Jared's birthday dinner and get things ready for my parents and his mom to head over to join us. We ate dinner and had dessert and then hung out with Patrice for a bit and then it was finally time for the night to end and Jared and I headed to bed. Of course there was another hour of talking and crying (on my part). I couldn't get over the fact that I had just been told no. I knew there was a reason why, but I couldn't help my feelings of loss. It was almost as if I was mourning one of my miscarriages. It was a feeling of wanting something and losing it without my control.

The next morning I woke up and cancelled my doctor's appointment that was no longer needed. Later that day I got on facebook and watched different people posting about their new babies or posting about their pregnancies. I was sad. I wouldn't have that anymore. It was all over. No more holding a baby for the first time. No more baby snuggling on my chest. No more feeling a baby inside me. No more.

I did get a text from Jared that morning checking on me to see how I was doing. He also thanked me for his great birthday (he is so nice because his birthday was no celebration - but for the record, we did a birthday do-over on Tuesday and that was great from start to finish!) Both Jared and I were still in our "mourning process" that day.

Jared did say some things that comforted me and I am going to hold on to those words. There is obviously a reason why we were told what we were told. For now, I feel better thinking that the reason we were told no is because Heavenly Father loves me so much and has decided I had gone through enough. We like to think that He is saving us from more suffering and heart ache for nothing. The chances of me having more miscarriages is far to great. The chances of me continuing to not ovulate is also huge. We could have spent the next couple of years trying for nothing, only to suffer heart ache. So, I say, Thank you for saving us from that. Thank you for giving me a direct answer which is what I wanted, even if it wasn't the answer I wanted to hear. Thank you for loving me.

I am accepting of the outcome of all of this. I am grateful for my 4 happy, healthy and beautiful kids. We are fortunate to provide them with the things they need and want. I am eternally grateful for all of that. I will no longer have my own baby, but I have since taken the time to curl my twinkies up in a ball and hold them and squeeze the pooh out of them. I am going to savor every minute with them and enjoy the time I have with them while they are the age they are, all of my kiddos. The end.